I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
