i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Randomize
