Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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