You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
