i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Drunk is not a location!
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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