We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I need moral support for this bender
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
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