I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
