Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
