I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
