True but thats because hes a fetus.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
