I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
