Just cropdusted the office
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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