Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
