the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
