Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just had sex bonerless
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
