Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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