Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
