Swine flu. Run for my life!
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
