Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
