winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
