your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
