Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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