Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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