so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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