well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
