the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
