The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
