Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
They took my balls.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
