Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
