My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
