How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
