woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
