At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
