I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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