how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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