And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
