If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
