11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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