Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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