It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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