oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
