god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
