I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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