Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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