Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
