I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
