I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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