Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
