they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
