I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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